My mom has been visiting for the last week and just left. I have no shame in saying that when she walked out the door I sat on the floor and cried like a baby. Then the real baby started to cry and I had to pretend to be an adult again and take care of her. I don't know what it is about becoming a parent, but it makes saying good bye to your own mom a thousand times more difficult.
It doesn't help that I had a baby in the midst of one of the worst flu seasons to hit in years. Due to that and the fact that the baby can't be outside when it's this cold, we've been hibernating. This has been both incredibly wonderful and unbelievably isolating. Being locked in the house together has helped me learn her, her cries, her funny side eye looks, and how to take care of her. It's bonded us even more than expected as well, we're in it together and all each other has for the vast majority of the day. I am so thankful for these days, with her cuddled against me, as her favorite place to sleep is on me. I know she won't always be this small, smell this good, and need me this much. So I am soaking it in.
The only draw back is, well, the fact that I am alone. The baby, while cute, isn't big on conversation. None of my friends are in the same life place as me which makes it hard for them to relate. They don't get the sleepless nights, the fact that I am in bed at 7pm or that really, she's too small for visitors. The doctor told me to keep everyone outside of family away, and I have. I have to keep her safe which means, unfortunately, keeping her indoors and keeping everyone else out. When she's bigger and it's not absurdly cold we'll venture out and bust out of our self imposed isolation. Until then I'll just keep focusing on her sweetness. I'll keep reaching out to friends via text message and phone calls. And I will keep talking about how being in this wonderful new place is so exciting and so weirdly lonely. It's such a weird juxtaposition of emotions but I guess that's what being a parent is all about. Being busy but not. Being full of love and full of worry. Being the center of someone's universe while being completely alone. Life, it is so beautifully complicated.