Over the last few months I've reconnected with a lot of old friends and former acquaintances. This is both amazing and horrible. Amazing in that yay, I've missed them and horrible in that I have to explain that I'm a single mom and how that came about. Inevitably when I tell them I'm single and have been for almost 8 months now, I get asked the following question, "So, are you dating anyone new?"
And then I laugh. I laugh and I laugh and I laugh.
Whatever the opposite of seeing someone is, that's what I'm doing. This reason is threefold. One: I have no time and the time I do have is dedicated to making sure my daughter is happy and content and loved. Two: I am am not currently 'dateable' and then finally... Three: I am fucking awful at choosing life partners.
The first reason is the one most easily explained. We are up every day at (ughhh) somewhere between 5:45am and 6:30am. Then we're off to the races. Pumping, getting her ready, me ready, dealing with 2 elderly cats who want food now dammit, playing, packing bags for the days she's at the other nanny share house, then working, working, working, then baby time, bath time, get her into bed, then I finally eat and then guess what? I work again or clean the house before I fall into bed somewhere between 10 and midnight to get my 3 to 4 hours of broken sleep. On the weekends we have swim classes and baby gym and run errands and see friends and I attempt at some point to nap when she naps so I don't actually die from sleep deprivation. My focus when I'm not working is entirely on her. Playing, working on her crawling, learning, giggling and loving. I don't ever want her memories of childhood to be of me leaving for a date.
Second, you know the phrase 'those who can't do, teach'? I've altered to slightly to 'those who can't do, sit on the couch and eat Oreos'. You see, I've had a lot of feelings. All of them, really. So I've sat in them and worked through a lot of it and reached a much, much better place. However....sometimes when you have all the feelings you just need to well, eat them. So I have and they have been delicious. They have also been one of the reasons that I more closely resemble Momma Cass than I have in the recent past. In LA this can be something of an, ahem, deal breaker. In the land where size 2 is obese, my size 8 (on a good day) thighs aren't exactly coveted. Additionally, when all I do is work or hang out with a baby my range of conversation tends to center around Barney songs and how often she poops. As thrilling as this is for single men to talk about, they aren't exactly lining up. Thus, I may as well make a tee shirt that says 'Undateable' in rhinestones and call it a day. (I won't as that's tacky. I'll just get a tattoo of it.)
Third, well. You guys. You've read a lot about my dates and relationships over the last oh, fuck, 10 years? I have dated some absurdly amazing people (and ruined it somehow) and some, let's go with 'bad apples'. Personally, I think my picker is broken. In the past I wasn't looking for the right things. I know what those things are now, I really do, but I also know how impossible they are to find. I have dated men in the past who have had some of those qualities and after the relationships destructed for a variety of reasons (mostly, let's face it, due to me), they were quickly snapped up because they are damn catches. I know now what I need but I know this at a point in my life where I have no wherewithal to go and get it. If someone were to meet my husband and drop him into my lap, I would potentially consider it, but even then, it's not about me. It's about her and how it would impact her life. I have a stepfather that I don't get along with. I know how life altering that can be. And that? It's unfair to her.
Do I think that one day I could find the right fit again? Sure. Do I think ultimately I'm loveable and a good girlfriend? You bet your ass. But, right now isn't the time. Nor will it be for as long as I can see. I miss the companionship sometimes and at times I get really angry at the situation and the fact that yeah, I'm going to be single for a good long while, but you know what? So be it. I've dated and had incredible romances and been wooed and chased and loved. I've had heartbreak after heartbreak and some really beyond shitty things happen. And that all has lead me to where I am now. And that is with an 18 pound human who lights up when I walk into the room and is literally the best thing I've ever done.
So in short when someone asks me that inevitable question I smile, say no, and kiss my daughter on the head. Maybe next time I'll just send them a link here. That or show them my #ForeverAlone tattoo. Toss up, really.