When faced with a crisis, or issues, or hell even stress, my first resort is comedy. It's generally unintentional and I typically just say the first thing that comes to mind. It's inappropriate, 90% of the time, and in retrospect funny.
Today was one of those times. I was at the doctor for a Very Serious And Scary Holy Shit appointment. During it, he had to do a pelvic exam. Sure, no big deal because after you have a baby you're kind of used to teams of people staring down your birth canal. Pelvic exams are basically a trip to the grocery store in terms of routine. I was honestly thinking about emails I needed to send when all of the sudden he went from pelvic to, how do I put this delicately, his entire hand up my butt? Like all of it. Like, his entire hand. In my butt.
Needless to say, I was startled. I loudly said 'well that was unexpected!' He looked at me surprised and said 'I said I was going to examine your rectum next' to which I had to reply 'remember how I'm deaf? I completely did not hear that'. So then we just blinked at each other awkwardly while his hand remained in my butt. I won the staring content and he removed his hand slowly and tossed the glove.
As we wrapped up the appointment the following conversation occurred. And this? This is why I'm not allowed to open my mouth ever:
Him: Sorry about earlier. Surprise rectal exams can't be fun.
Me: It's ok. Worse things have happened. I mean...dating in Los Angeles and all.
Him: (rapidly blinking) I wouldn't know.
Me: You could always join Tinder.
He very quickly wrapped up and left the room after that. End scene.