My daughter is currently going through a super fun thing wherein she won't sleep unless she is a) in my bed and b) touching me. I've been told this is due to a combination of separation anxiety, teething and a developmental milestone. Personally I think she was just pissed that I watch tv at night and won't let her.
Anyway this has led me to become a virtual shut in as I am in bed by 7:45 each night. This gives me lots of time to think, guys. And lots of time to realize I know a lot of lyrics to really weird songs that play on a loop in my head. So much Skynyrd. So, so much which is inexplicable really. But he was a Simple Man who wanted to be a Free Bird and really, that's all that matters in the end.
So as I dive into my random assortment of thoughts I apologize in advance for typos because I am writing this on my phone as I am, again, being held hostage by a 16 lb human.
- I may be having the most fulfilling relationship of my life with my nanny. She shows up, takes care of my kid, cleans my kitchen, listens to me bitch and then gets angry at people on my behalf and occasionally cooks for me. She's basically a tatted up, 24 year old version of Mary Poppins and if we ever move I may legitimately offer her a pony to move with us.
- working from home and being a single mom is crazy, crazy isolating. I can go many days at a time without seeing anyone other than my kid and my personal Mary Poppins. It's an odd way to live and I am adjusting. This week it got to me so even though I had strep throat (yay! All the fun!) I made us leave the house. It was wonderful. Even better is that I got to catch up with an old friend and see a beach sunset. It was also like I was a real person. Imagine that.
- ah yes. Strep throat. Here's the thing, most days I feel like I have this single parenting thing down. Illness proved that I am dumb and this shit is really hard. I so wanted to be able to just hand her to someone else and say 'I need a nap so I can get healthy' but that wasn't an option. Guys, I cried a lot. I got angry that I am doing this alone with no real support (outside of my 6 daily hours with Mary). . I (very quietly) raged against the universe. In someways it was cathartic and needed. I think sometimes you just need to let it out. And I did. I did the ugly cry. More than once. And then I napped when my daughter napped all weekend and today I feel way more human. Now if she would only go back to sleeping more than 2 hours in a stretch I would be the happiest lady.
- I keep cycling through days where I think I'm kicking ass and then days where I feel like I'm drowning. I miss deadlines, eat cake for lunch because cooking is too time consuming and wear my pajamas all day. So be it. I think as long as there's a pretty even mix of good and bad I'm doing ok
- I have discovered the underbelly of the Internet and it's private, moms only Facebook groups. I am part of 4. Four. Yeah. I said it.
- the amount of times my child can poop through her clothes and onto me never ceases to amaze me. She has a gift, and that gift is to paint the world in her excrement. I've decided she's basically an experimental artist.
- I've been told one day I'll sleep again. But when I am told that I tend to just shake my head as it's a really mean lie. Last week she did 6 hour stretches. This was of course to prep me for this week's constant wake up parties accompanied by tiny limbs hitting me in the face at 2,3,4 and 6 am. However, as I haven't slept in oh, just about 6 months, I have decided I'm a super hero.
I would like my cape now please. And more cake as I am now out.