The Adventures of Me

Asshole Letter I Sent My Friends, Volume 3

I have been on many planes lately. Many planes. All of the planes. The latest was last night when I miscalculated the time and got there 2 hours before my flight. I know that's 'recommended' but um, no. Just no. So I was forced to get slightly airport drunk before I even boarded my flight. Then I took Xanax. Then I remembered I needed to write my friends a letter.

 

Helllllooooo!

I have missed you. But more, I have missed being drunks on planes. For serious. Can my job be this? I mean, like more so I mean because currently it's kind of job. So actually can this be my job all of the time more so than every other week. Frequent flier miles, I haz them.

One: I'm pretty sure I've done permanent liver damage. Two: I am watching a show with James Van Der Beek and um, kind of amazing. Quote 'this is the worst threesome I've ever been a part of: no one is having sex and everyone is fighting'. This may be the wine and Xanax talking but I kind of want to put that on my business cards.

I am currently over Ohio. I feel like this warrants more wine. Right? Right. I mean I once went to Ohio. To an Olive Garden. That statement can just stand on its own. (Breadsticks forever y'all. Forever)

The guy next to me just ordered three gin and tonics at once. Seriously dudes, I am packing him in my suitcase and delivering him to one of you. You can battle for him. Bonus: he's pretty. And just now when the steward told me they would bring me my wine in 30 minutes he got indignant on my behalf. Please. One of you marry this person. Like he literally just told them it was bullshit that I had to wait. He deserves to be on money. Or at least have a parade. Perhaps both. #hero

Is it wrong I still wonder about the lederhosen kid from china? Has he killed his parents yet? So many questions. Perhaps when I go back to Asia this December I'm gonna look him up. 'Awkward lederhosen kid' should be in the phone book.

I am drinking water. This is bullshit.

I got Wine! Seat dude chased them down. Seriously, I may have to buy him a hooker. That's the traditional gift, right?

Someone at a bar this week told me I look like the chick from the newsroom. As I'm watching that show now I am belated offended. I have a way better rack than this chick. I mean, come on now. She has a better ass though. Hmm. Anger abating.

I have 3.25 hours left until we land. 4th glass of wine? God. It is so tough being me.

Also, for reference you should know that I have greasy hair and am wearing knee high striped socks. So. It's pretty sexy in this plane. Real, real, real sexy.

Turbulence. Fuck you Iowa. Or as I call it: where fun goes to die.

Due to turbulence they aren't serving more booze. This is the greatest travesty in American history. No exaggeration.

Um. You guys should watch newsroom. It's kind of amazing. Also, you should drink more. Two things. All I ask. Get on it.

Apparently if you drink 3 glasses of wine with Xanax in rapid succession you'll take an accidental nap. Things you learn when you're in your final descent to LA. That's right! I'm home... for the next 7 days. Welcome.

 

xoxoxoxoxo,

Still probably Buddha aka Meghan

So I Went on Vacation... Part Five

It's been so long since I posted I had to go back to see where I left off. I'm assuming you have been on the edge of your seats for the last month and a half. Apologies. There was drinking to do and bad decisions to be made and dammit, someone had to do it. I'm a giver, is what I'm saying.

Ok! So! I went to Indonesia! After leaving the bar and the less-pale-than-me Scott behind I slept a few hours and caught a boat back to Bali. Having learned my lesson last time I essentially elbowed small children to get to the front of the line and secured a seat. I docked, took an hour car ride through Bali and ended up at my hotel in Ubud. First of all this place is lush. Second of all when I walked in the lobby they hit a gong to 'welcome' me. Have you ever had someone look at you with a completely serious face and then hit a gong. As I'm an asshole I laughed. They then offered the gong to me and instructed me to hit it. I don't know why but I declined. I will regret this until my dying day. When I go back I'm hitting that gong. Hard. MARK MY WORDS.

I took the shuttle into town and ate dinner here.

Ah Ubud, you know how to make a girl feel welcome. I wandered around town, bartered for things (which is AMAZING) and then went to bed like a responsible adult (first time for everything) as the next day I had signed up to do a 40km bike ride down a mountain in Central Bali.

Because I'm an idiot.

My van came and picked me up at 7am and I climbed inside with a group of elderly women from New Zealand and the world's most talkative human from South Carolina. At first I had a weird surge of American pride and talked to her. Within a few minutes I deeply regretted my decision. By the end of the 8 hour odyssey I had taken a vow of silence and dreamed of ways to push her off her bike. However, in the beginning it was ok because we started off the day here:

That's Mount Batur and it is a volcano. You can look at it from far away while drinking beer and eating all of the food that has ever been made. This is clearly the way volcanoes are meant to viewed.

We then hopped on our bikes and I realized very quickly that mine had no gears. None. At all. Which was super awesome for the next 40km of uphill biking. It was like trying to ride a beach cruiser through super glue. Relaxing!

The first stop on the tour was a coffee plantation wherein they make the world's most expensive coffee. Aka the kind that is made by feeding lemurs berries, having them poop out the seeds and then roasting them. Yeah. Humans are really dumb, y'all.

As I'm human I tried some. It tasted like coffee. I hate coffee. Again, dumb.

On the plus side I discovered I like tea. You win some, you lose some and are forced to drink lemur poop.

Here's a dude roasting the poop. You can kind of see that he's thinking 'stupid white people, you really will drink anything we tell you to.'

We then rode on to the slums of Bali to view a typical family compound. We couldn't enter the temple grounds that exist on each compound as they are sacred to the family but we were able to look at them from outside. It was incredible and sad and awesome and haunting.

After we biked through the rice fields and then to a small town where we found the dude that will haunt your dreams.

You're welcome.

From there we went up 1,800 more hills and ended up at a feast. I think all bike rides should end at a feast. Especially one with a killer view.

And then I slept for a million years because biking is hard, especially when you're using one of your hands to hold a beer.

Fact.