Yesterday sucked. A lot. I don't want this space to become one wherein I only write about crappy things that happen, but the fact is I need to get this out of my brain so I can sort through it all.
We woke up at 4:45 as that's what time my daughter's internal alarm clock went off. I got her to at least lay with me until 6. It wasn't sleep but we laid there and sang and clapped and at least got to sit still. When we got out of bed we went about our normal morning stuff and everything was fine. At about 6:30 we were sitting in her room playing when I got super sharp pains in my leg. I thought it was weird and then suddenly starting itching like crazy. Overwhelming, could not stop, itching, everywhere. So I went into the bathroom to see what the hell was up with my leg.
As soon as I looked in the mirror I gasped. My entire backside from knee to neck was covered in what looked like bug bites. Big, puffy, itchy bites. They were starting to spread to my front and pretty rapidly. I texted my mom to see what I should do, along with a picture. As soon as she saw the picture her response was 'go to the ER, now'. At this point it was getting hard to breathe. I texted a few friends to see if they could come and stay with my daughter so I didn't have to take her with me. I know that if you take a baby to the ER with you and don't have someone who can come and watch the baby, they are legally obligated to call CPS. So, needless to say I was panicking. I thought about calling an ambulance but then talked myself out of it because I couldn't figure out where they would put the car seat. Since no one had responded to my texts (note to self: next time CALL) I made the decision to just put her in the car and go and hope for the best.
The last thing I remember is putting her in the car and turning the key. Apparently I had stopped breathing and blacked out. I woke up after we plowed into my neighbors car. I pulled my daughter out and my neighbor came out to see what happened. Let's just say thank goodness for that neighbor. She mobilized her whole family, helped me move my car seat to her car and drove me to the hospital. Her husband stayed with me. Once we got inside I got a call back from a friend who was rushing to the hospital to help. She got there and scooped up my baby so I could sit there and try to breathe.
An hour later we got in. Apparently the car accident worked like a shot of adrenaline and caused me to breathe again and slowed down the itching. I was diagnosed with hives and they think it may have come from a new soap I used on her. I don't think it did. I don't know what caused them but my gut does not say 'hypoallergenic all natural baby soap that I only touched with my hands 15 hours before reaction'. But who knows. Bodies are weird and my body is weirder than most. I was given medicine and sent home.
I, very luckily, have good friends who took care of me and helped me until I put my daughter to bed. Then I sent them home so I could sit in shock. I cannot believe that was my day. I cannot believe I totaled my brand new dream car. Yesterday hit me like a bomb. A really, really shitty bomb. Until now, being a single mom has been hard, yes, but totally manageable. I can deal with the no sleep and the loneliness and the stress. I cannot deal with, however, is how I didn't have anyone to rely on in an emergency. I am so, so thankful for the friends that did rush to my side and I can't articulate that properly, but what I didn't have was someone in the house to say 'breathe, focus on breathing and I'll take you to the hospital'. What I didn't have was someone who could take care of my baby and keep her calm and out of harms way. What I didn't have was someone else to get behind that wheel and get us to the hospital without worries of CPS. I have never in my life known such panic. It has, quite simply, rocked me to my very core.
I have never wanted to be a single mom who relies on her family. It's due to absolute pure stubbornness. I have lived on my own since 18. I have taken care of me and built a pretty damn good life. But now, maybe it's time to push all that aside. Maybe it's time to just admit that I can't do this on my own. Maybe it's time to move home. The idea kills me as well, I hate where my family lives. But, I cannot ever go through a day like yesterday again. For me, or my daughter.
I read your blog often. I admire your strength. I know you have gone through a lot of shit in the past year, but you are still standing on two feet. Just wanted to let you know that I think you are doing wonderfully despite all you have been through(and I don't even know you). Many women would have given up by now but you keep going and that is very admirable.
Posted by: Megan C. | 10/31/2015 at 08:53 AM