It is no secret that Christmas is my favorite time of year. So much so that my tree has been up since mid-November and the matching Christmas pajamas I ordered for me and my daughter were delivered months ago. For the first time though, this season is a bit fraught with emotional landlines and I am trying how to find the balance between avoiding those and creating the most magical first Christmas for my girl.
Every year for the last 4 years I've been in committed relationships. Four years ago my then boyfriend wrote and recorded an album of love songs as my gift. A gift so overwhelming in magnitude that it literally made me speechless. I wasn't even able to thank him properly because I went completely inarticulate, blown away that someone I loved could love me that much in return. Three years ago I was so head over heels in love with my most recent ex I could barely see straight. Two years ago I thought we were getting engaged. One year ago we sat in our home together, me heavily pregnant, while he played Christmas songs on his guitar wearing a goofy reindeer hat. This year I will be seeing my ex again and I won't write about it any further or talk about it in this space. But man, the landmines, they are everywhere. Each time I turn around I see a ghost of Christmas past. Reminding me of what was and what is now.
What is now is someone who may be more ready to date than she was a few months ago but still isn't fully in that pool. I went on a date, to rip the bandaid off. And while he was an absurdly nice human, he was not my human. The date didn't end in anything, but it helped me realize that it is possible to get back out there and not hate every single minute of it. That then again, I am so focused on other things that it's really not that important to me. That despite nearly every person I know urging me to date again, to find someone to share all of this with, my cup is really quite full.
Because, my cup? It is overflowing with amazing things, I just have to keep my eyes open to see them. While this year I will not have an album of love songs, or be serenaded, or hopping on a plane to Thailand or Ireland, I will wake up next to the most beautiful human on the planet. We are still co-sleeping and honestly, I don't know if or when it will end. When she's ready, probably, but right now even with the (very) little sleep I get, it's the best thing in the world. Every morning she smiles as me and we lay together for a few quiet minutes before we start our day. She hums and nurses and pats my cheek. I sing to her or talk about what we'll do today. She's spitfire and stubborn and so happy that people stop me on the street to comment on my smiling girl. To tell me she's the happiest baby they've ever seen. Every single day she changes and grows in ways that blow my mind. She helps remind me that while I have lost great loves and my life has taken turns I could never have expected, that things can be overwhelmingly hard sometimes, that ultimately it will be ok. That I just have to keep trying, pushing forward, crying in the bathroom when I need to and then pulling myself back together and shaking it off. That I'll walk through these landmines and even if one triggers, I can and will survive. That the emotional blows and sadness can be pushed out. That jealousy and anger can be replaced by a pure and simple love.
This little human has taught me tremendous amount. She's taught me true selflessness. She's taught me to be a better person. To trade in nights out for nights in, playing on her bedroom floor, rereading the same book over and over because it makes her giggle. She taught me that it's ok to not travel every single New Years. That this year our quiet dinner in and cuddles by the tree could not be traded for all of the frequent flier miles in the world. She's taught me to be the bigger person. To smile even when you feel like slamming doors because that is what is important, that what matters in her life trumps my own petty issues.
So I guess that's what Christmas and ultimately life means to me right now. It means giving without expecting anything in return. It means being in the moment. Fighting through potential missteps and sadness and frankly crap that does not matter. Because this Christmas, and every single day, it's all about her. It's all about love.
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